Part 3 in a series of value proposition re-writes I worked on with wynter.com.
Entrepreneur Business Book Club:
The notes:
The first headline is interesting and creates urgency, sure. But it doesn’t tell me anything about what EBBC is, who it’s for, or why it isn’t the same exact thing as all the other networking events, seminars, and self-development workshop-type things out there.
This is a heavily saturated market. So you can’t talk about yourself as if you’re the only one doing what you’re doing.
People can easily discount your message if you use the same messaging as other groups - no matter how great yours is.
The new headline and lead make it clear who this is for and why it’s different from all the other things out there.
It cuts through the noise and gives them a reason to either choose you or keep reading. It also shines the spotlight on the reader, not EBBC.
People care about themselves, and they need to be nodding their heads and immediately seeing themselves joining a session and getting value from EBBC to feel good about taking the next step and getting involved.
Lastly, I’d bring the image slider on your About page under ‘We activate (y)our knowledge!’ right underneath your homepage hero section. It shows visitors exactly what you do and how you help them: meetups and discussions.
There’s no indication that that’s what I’m getting with the current headline.